eatdixx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he's really very good at it, a natural talent for healing. i had some things to get rid of, so last night i went and had a healing. we talked a bit about what i wanted to focus on, and be free from. i sat on the folded up bed with the heater on beside me, and freely told him things that make my heart hurt most, what he used to make me do and that it was from when i was about five to ten years old. things that still have me tight in their grip, holding me back from living and loving, holding me back from being loved - mostly. i'm tired of being angry and resentful. of being scared, and uncomfortable with myself. sick of looking at myself and thinking i'm not worth anything, dirty from all of the lies and guilt over the years. sometimes i feel rotten at my core. i don't want to carry it around anymore. but i haven't learnt how to let it go. the massage table was raised from the floor, about waist high. i layed on my back, looking up at the light fittings, feeling dubious about what reaction i'd have during the healing. whether i'd break down and cry, if i could really cut through the shit and get to its heart, and destroy it, crush it. i closed my eyes, and he led me through a meditation of white light. starting with my breath, making me concious of the circle of my breath, moving up through from my base chakra in my abdomen to my heart, slowly filling my body and fusing it with pure, white light. enveloping me, until i was cocooned, i could see it right there behind my closed eyes, i could feel the light gently holding me secure, my whole body tingling and completely, utterly relaxed. i met my guide by the door with the white light blasting out from the seams, she was familiar, but i couldn't quite see her face. i took her hand for strength and immediately i knew her. i knew her by smell, the feel of her hand in my hand, the texture of her skin was familiar, and the warmth that she radiated reminded me of my mother. she was about fifty, big boned with a flowing dress on, and a kind wrinkled face. curly hair. emanating warmth. my conscious self was aware of tears running down my face as i stood beside my guide, holding her hand and thinking of my mum. i could see her so vividly right then all around me, hear her laugh and the sound of her voice! and i can't remember anything much of her in my waking life! i cried for it, and let my guide take me into the corridor. the sound of his voice was gentle, soft and one step ahead of me, keeping me out of the dark corners. i kept looking up at my guide for strength, assuring myself that she was with me as i started the journey down the corridor, into the place that i didn't want to go, the place i hate the most, i was being enveloped by fear and blanketed by darkness, claustrophobic feelings making panic swirl in my chest and i was breathing fast. his voice kept me pinned to the earth, saying my name occasionally to keep me aware and with him. i wanted to turn and run away, run out of the darkness, i don't want to go in there, you can't make me, i don't want to, i'm panicking, look at my guide and she smiles at me, imagine the white light think about the white light i'm in it i'm surrounded in it, it feels like love, yes - i can do this. i will go forward. hold her hand tighter. the door that i saw at first was his old bedroom door, but there was one more. the bedroom door was wooden, with paint flaking off it and painted green, with the wood coming through. old, familiar, ominous. darkness on the other side. quiet. instead, we turned and went through the white door with the shiny gold knob, and i stepped into a room that gradually became something i didn't recognise. i kept fighting to keep the image of his bedroom out of my head, trying to concentrate on the voice, on the guidance, staying out of that awful room, fighting with myself. we washed that room right out. made all the gunk in my head into gunk that could be washed away with a big fire hose, and i scrubbed it and blasted it for ages, turning up the lever of the hose, making the water stronger. the thick tarry substance started to melt off the walls, slinking down the walls that were surrounding me, my guides warm hands on my shoulders supporting me helping me with the hose. suddenly the mess was gone, i watched it disappear into the drain, the black remnants of the muck gurgling away. it felt like it had rained, that fresh scent of water in the air, and i could feel and see grass under my feet. i stepped outside the now clean room into a garden where all of the people i love were sitting on a blanket, laughing and talking amongst themselves. i felt sad, and wanted to join in, but it was like everyone was really happy and in a great mood, and i was just standing there with a heavy heart, and eternal sadness. then i saw myself as a little kid, skinny white arms and clothes too big for me, come up to me smiling. taking small tentative steps, and i bent down a little to look at her. she smiled at me as she handed me something - and the voice was with me - telling me to accept the gift, she was giving me a present. it was a necklace with a smooth pink stone, that was warm in my hand and comfortable on my skin when i put it on . then without the guidance of my healer, she gave me something else. a box, with keys or something on top of it, but with a wind up lever on the side, like a jack in the box. when i saw it, i breathed in sharply and squealed! i knew what it was, i was really happy to see it, i was so excited!!! i couldn't believe she was giving it to me! i was sooo fricking happy to see it! i started to skip around the garden, yelling and rejoicing that i'd been given these presents, swinging my arms in the air, listening to my loved ones laugh and joining in. but the voice was calling me back to my body, and it was time to leave. i didn't want to leave her, i wanted to stay there with them and play, feel happy. i kept ignoring it, but it called me gently back. i said goodbye to my guide. i didn't want to leave her, couldn't she come with me? i opened my eyes when i wasn't scared anymore, and i saw my healer standing above me, and his kind face reassuring me that i'd be ok. we finished off and he rubbed my back a bit, gave me a hug and a smile, and we talked about what happened. i told him the journey and the gift i'd been given, but i couldn't remember what it was! it's on the tip of my tongue, but as time has gone past today the visuals of it are fading more and more, and now it's almost vanished - except the excitement is still there. i felt so quiet in my head afterwards. peace. comfortable with myself. like i might have a bit of a good person in me. after we were talking he said to me: you know you can start fresh, now. and then i realised the full impact of what he meant and i asked REALLY??? I CAN?? AND I WAS SMILING. AND I FELT LIKE I COULD START AGAIN. START WITH A CLEAN SLATE. PUT IT ALL AWAY. that maybe i'd be ok, and i could be happy, and not be haunted anymore. there's still more work to do, other issues that don't seem to unapproachable now. i'll struggle a bit more, but i can see a way out. i don't think i'll need to stop thinking so much, anymore. i don't need to shroud my mind when it gets too loud, i might just learn how to visit my guide and go back to that warm, beautiful comfortable place more often. i reckon everyone should have this done. i wish i'd done this years ago. i probly wasn't ready. it's hard to let it go. these are things i know, fears that i'm familiar with. what am i without them? i don't know how to behave, how i should act now, so i'm just going to take my time and let it sink in, enjoy the comfortable silence in my head. 10:26 p.m. - 2005-08-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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