eatdixx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and i walked by your house on friday i worked for a couple of old ladies, instead of at the court. it was the first time, and i had four hours to kill in between. i sat in the park for a while and looked at the trees in the warmth of the sun. eating my sandwich, imagining how you'd paint the grass, with the detail, working out distances. an old lady pulled up in a little red car, jumped out and threw some bread to the pidgeons, who swooped around over my head making rings of shadows around me. after reading for a while in the library, having a coffee, eating crepes, walking around the hilly streets of toorak and the fine old dead mansions with vines all over them, i ended up sitting down on a seat, leaning my head on the fence. i closed my eyes to shut everything out, giving in to the thoughts i'd tried not to think about all day. i felt really still and quiet. and sad. so fucking sad. i haven't been this down......... in a long time. after i finished the next job, i caught the tram back into the city to meet up with workfriends having drinks at the court. i skulled two champagnes as soon as i got there and started on a third. by the time my boss cornered me i was full of smiles and grabbing him by the shoulder. he was holding a beer, giving me lectures about smoking weed and not pushing myself to my full capacity, that i could be much more than i already am, would i like to make a career with the court? no. they always try and do that. i try and explain that i'm already fucking at where i want to be right now, and how could working in an office possibly be fulfilling? where's the substance? after arguing for a while, we had some shots of tequila, i smashed a glass, talked on the phone until i got emotional and left, staggering down the street. somehow i got home, had drunken emotional conversations with my housemates who rolled me a joint and covered me with a blanket on the couch. i got sent a mixcd that i found on saturday morning. i don't know how to describe how fucking much i like it. the songs i didn't know already - i love, and some of the songs on there - like mellow doubt, are some of my all time favourites already. last year, when my brother got married - he had part of mellow doubt's lyrics read out during the ceremony. it was fucking beautiful. i LOVE that song. my brother's coming down to see teenage fanclub with me. spoke to him a little bit about my dad, yesterday. he's worried too. fuck, i'm so glad to have this little group of friends around me that can see when you need some love, and they come together to bring you back up again. everyone came over. it was so much fun, they made me laugh all afternoon. we played celebrity head and smoked joints keeping warm under doonas. after the band last night, i went for a big long walk up chapel street, on my own. it was nice to get away and think, but i just really wanted an hour to sit somewhere and stare blankly, maybe cry, and come back and be alright. it felt good to walk, and there was a big moon. and i thought about you, all weekend. i can't believe it's only been three days. 3:10 p.m. - 2005-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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